a step back

I have this theory that each one of us has his or her own rhythm in life. I always think of running and how I manage to finish the race only if I run just as I feel it's right for me. This "right for me" I believe exists in us when it comes to the rhythm and speed with which we live daily. I don't believe in the "right" moment to do anything that fits all. What makes "right", right? Where does this feeling of "right for me" come from? I don't know. I believe it exists, I believe we can all feel it, and I am more and more convinced that if we don't listen to it, we get ourselves into trouble.

The goal of a person who does not have a destination is probably to find one. It seems harder to stay still and easier to head towards something. However, when you don't know where are you heading, standing still is the only option. I am in this fortunate position of having no clear destination and maybe it's the case with everyone else, all the time, we just become more aware of this in moments of reflection.

So I have no destination, I am on a journey. Maybe it leads nowhere specific and maybe the frustration comes from the wrong expectation that I ought to be headed somewhere. Maybe I just forgot that I am lost and that it's alright to be lost. I will take a step back, in the realm of the lost...

gratitude

Today I am grateful for having legs. I barely ever think about "normal" things that I have and yet, not everyone has and I might not keep forever.

I enjoy dancing so much! It does not matter what kind of dancing or what my mood is, when I dance I am well, I AM! How would my life be if I could never dance? I often thought about that, it's among the things I fear most.

Less than 30 seconds thinking about this brings to mind so many other things I should be immensely grateful for. The only soothing conclusion to the train of thoughts is this: live well!

about things I did not even dare to dream of

I have never fished before in my life. This weekend, I did! Not any kind of fish: trout! Not anyhow: with artificial bait! And not anywhere: on a mountain lake! This is how a fisherman would tell the story.

My story is shorter: I fished trout!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would repeat the words over and over again because it's beyond what I have dreamt or desired and yet it happened. It got me thinking about so many other things that I live and that I would have never dared to dream of or wish for. Lately, there have been many such blessings coming my way, many!

changes

For some weeks now I have been running less. Before, running was a part of my routine. I am not sure how and why but somehow running feels less appealing, all I want to do now is walk. Sometimes I think that the change has something to do with all the other changes in my life. I always liked running but sometime in the past two years it became a physical expression of how I felt; I wanted to escape where I was and what I was doing. Now though I want to walk slowly, stroll, enjoy the view, breath in the fresh air.
And it's Earth Hour in New York. 

got it all wrong!

I sometimes feel with my head. That's when I "analyze" feelings, and based on that I build a future model with various scenarios that are more or less likely to happen. A true fortune teller but with real arguments. Usually, if my head is the one feeling in matters of relationships, it gets me scared because my head knows just how much can go wrong when feelings reach the realm of the beautiful and sweet emotional states. On the other hand, the heart not only forgives but it also forgets.  So there you are...accelerating with your foot on the brake.

looking for the secret

I have been having this thought lately. I must admit that I enjoy my life as it has been for the past few months. I would not say it was sheer happiness but simply having more flexibility and freedom as to how to spend my time, seems to fuel me with that kind of peace that makes days enjoyable. It's being able to sleep without knowing that in the morning I HAVE TO go somewhere but just wake up and then decide what to do. It's reading 10 pages today, none tomorrow, switching books the day after. It's freedom I guess.

Can that exist while having a job? Can any job allow people to feel free? I wonder and part of me dreads it's a dream; the same part dreads finding a job and giving up this freedom. Am I getting spoiled or am I simply missing something to fully and clearly understand what role does a job play in our lives? Could it also be that I am still living with traumas of my past job?

I don't know... All I know is that perhaps working or not is a choice that comes with advantages and disadvantages. Just like everything else in life...you get as informed as you can, you try to get to know yourself as well as you can, and then you hope you choose right... the right job, the right partner, the right apartment, the right car, the right thing to do in the next hour...

good week

Not a magnificent Friday but not all days can be magnificent. I did however realize that it's been a good week. Two job offers for someone who is not even looking sounds almost offensive. Unfortunately, nothing to get me more excited than for some instances while pondering if it could be the right thing for me... I also found two songs I really like and got news from dear people I have not heard from in a while. Altogether...a good week.